November 2004 Archives

Dog Doesn't Bite Man

"Maybe the dingo didn't eat your baby!"

A family from Britain has had a lucky escape after a dingo walked into their hotel room in Australia and came dangerously close to their young baby.

BBC NEWS | World | Asia-Pacific | Baby unhurt by brush with dingo

Gonzales: Like Ashcroft, Only Spicier

President Bush's taps White House Counsel Al Gonzales to replace John Ashcroft.

His sharp intellect and sound judgment have helped shape our policies in the war on terror -- policies designed to protect the security of all Americans, while protecting the rights of all Americans. As the top legal official on the White House staff, he has led a superb team of lawyers and has upheld the highest standards of government ethics.

Well...except for that torture problem we had a little while back there.

Gonzales argued for the President to uphold his exclusion of Geneva Convention provisions to the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees who, he concluded, would still be treated "humanely and, to the extent appropriate and consistent with military necessarity, in a manner consistst with the principles" of the Geneva Convention on the treatment of prisoners of war.

I'm totally looking forward to my rights being protected to the extent appropriate and consistent with military necessarity. Will we provided with orange jumpsuits, or should I come with?

The Pieces Are Falling Into Place

Was this election debacle the culmination of a 30-year slide into irrelevance for the Democrats? Of course not! It's a plan

"The president won't be able to blame anyone, because the Republicans have full control," Pelosi said. Although Republicans have controlled the White House, Senate and House for two years....

Yes. Lull the silly GOP to sleep with decades of power.

Brainless Headline in Topless Bar: II

Pearson Sees Earnings Rising Despite Drag From Penguin Unit

It's clear that we've all really underestimated penguins.

The Eagle Has Soared

USAG John Ashcroft has resigned.

"The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved," Mr. Ashcroft wrote....

We're safe from crime and terror? Why the fuck didn't anybody mention this during the election? Oh, that's right:

"The biggest threat we face now as a nation is the possibility of terrorists ending up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us _ biological agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind to be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans," Cheney said.

Oct 19, Carroll, OH

Also, apparently nobody's using drugs, corporate fraud is history, and Bush keeps God in his pocket. Ashcroft's entire loony-toon handwritten rant here.

Brainless Headline in Topless Bar

Arafat's Major Organs Still Functioning, Minister Says

"That's what Suha said!" No, wait. How about "Aim high!" Hold on, hold on..."Take away the brain and the heart and he could still be president of the United States!" No, too extreme...gimme a sec, I'll crack this one yet.